Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Our Little Secret...

As a lot of people that know me know, I am a pretty private person.  Yes, I am opinionated and outspoken, but only when I'm comfortable and want to be.  I choose to keep a lot of things inside for a lot of different reasons.  Throughout my 29 years on this Earth I have gone through some pretty outrageous stuff and walked away to be the woman I am today. 

I have suffered through many ordeals, some publicly and some privately.  I know everyone goes through a lot of things, but let's face it, how many 17 year old bury their first born son?  I don't mean a miscarriage, as I have had that too, but I mean go all the way to 25 weeks and 2 days, give birth by emergency c-section and then their son passed away 7 hours and 21 minutes later.  Then because we had a private ceremony for family only, people to this day think he never existed.

I then became pregnant with my beautiful daughter, and of course being scared to death I was too afraid to tell anyone.  I was about 6 and a half months pregnant before I told, and I came out of hiding for the funeral of a very dear friend, Susie (she came to my son's funeral).  It was a high risk pregnancy and I was monitored in the hospital from 32 weeks to 37 weeks.  At 37 weeks Dr. Richmond decided I had carried her long enough and I was having contractions and was 2 cm dilated, that it was time to deliver her.  She came out 3 weeks early, weighing 7 pounds 9 ounces and perfectly healthy.

As some people know my husband and I have been trying for over a year to have a baby, but with poly cystic ovarian syndrome, this proved to be very difficult.  After finally giving up, I decided to take medication to regulate my cycles, decrease my testosterone, and try to get some weight off.  I began taking Metformin, which is a medication for diabetes, but helps treat the symptoms of PCOS, 5 days before Christmas.  I then joined the gym on January 5, 2010.  I worked out on the 5th and 6th and then it snowed on the 7th.  I was going to start back to the gym that Monday, but all of a sudden I was very sick.  I stopped taking the Metformin, thinking it was messing with my blood sugar since I am hypoglycemic.  However, I remained sick for the next week and I asked my husband to get me a pregnancy test when he got off work, we both figured it was a waste of money since we had already thrown away so much money over the past year in tests.  I woke up at 2 am and couldn't hold it any longer, so I took a test.  Within seconds it was positive, so I woke him up and showed him, needless to say we just hugged each other and stared at each other until he went to work at 6:30 am.

We were both in shock to say the least.  I went to the health department to make sure, and right when the nurse did the test, she walked towards me and said, "I guess you know it's positive," and I smiled, she then said "that was a very fast positive."  I then went home and discussed things with Benji.  We decided without a doubt not to tell anyone until I saw a doctor.  With PCOS, it's like a 67% chance of miscarriage.  Well, I believe I told my parents around 10 weeks because we had the consignment sale coming up and there wouldn't be much that I would be able to do.  However, we did not tell our daughter until I had an ultrasound they said the baby looked fine. 
February 24, 2010  12 weeks 1 day
I then only told a few people, mainly the people I had to and the people whom I trusted and knew would be by my side.  In life we are supposed to bury our parents, and maybe siblings, but never are you supposed to bury your own child.  And if faced with that, some like to be public others like to be private.  As I myself have already been through this situation, I feel the loss of a child is something I would want to do alone.   As with the loss of my son, people don't know what to say, so they can easily say the wrong thing, such as "I know what you're going through,"  when in reality they have no clue.  I discussed it with my husband and he understood my wishes and against what he wanted, which was to scream it from the roof tops, he agreed that for now we wouldn't tell. 

The next few weeks went by OK, not the best, but OK.  I was put on blood pressure medicine and remained sick the whole time.  I was always sick and blood pressure was always high and of course I was still scared.  Then, 1 day after my birthday and only 4 days after my husband's birthday, we headed to the doctor to find out what we were having.  Lyssa wanting a girl, Benji wanting a boy, and me just wanting a healthy child, we went into the ultrasound room.  I believe it took over 30 minutes because the baby continued to move, the ultrasound tech turned me every way she could, on my side and everything, and the baby would just run away.
April 13, 2010 19 weeks 0 days
Profile
Face
It's a BOY!
We were assured that he was perfectly healthy and growing right on schedule, although I had been loosing weight.  However, I had been assured at 18 weeks with my first son that he was doing well.

As the school year began coming to an end and there were more and more things to go to, and I couldn't hide it to people that looked at me, I told a few moms and her teacher.  Turns out those Moms (and you know who you are) took such good care of me throughout the end of the year.  If it weren't for Ashley and Allison, I'm not sure I could have made it to all her stuff, and thanks to Leah for what you did too.

Well, at 23 weeks and 6 days, I found myself in Labor and delivery with what they called "round ligament pain", a UTI, and dehydrated, which was making me have contractions.  I stayed until almost 3 am, went home and slept, got up and went to Lyssa's field trip at Gattman park at 10 am.  I only stayed until around noon, I ate lunch and then went home and took a much needed nap.  It was after this that my husband no longer questioned my decision to not tell people about our pregnancy.  It went from my decision to our decision.

Then the day that I was dreading came, 25 weeks 2 days, and it happened to be the day that "Little Bit" had her Awards Day.  I was already emotional and I was having to say goodbye to a wonderful school, principal, staff, and those wonderful Moms.  Hoping to see them as soon as school starts back.  After leaving the school we went to a great little breakfast place that just opened, Breakfast at Carole's.  We had a good day and I started to relax some.

I went for a regular check-up at 27 weeks, which included my glucose tolerance test.  I had no reaction to this test with my daughter, so I was confident I wouldn't have a reaction this time around.  Boy was I wrong.  My blood sugar hit rock bottom, I guess being hypoglycemic and caring a boy I don't need to drink that much sugar.  I ended up in a room with all the lights off eating yogurt they gave me.  My blood pressure was 160/90 and I was measuring 32 weeks.  Previously at 23 weeks I was measuring 24 weeks.  So, I had to go back 1 week later to make sure he didn't grow more and to check my blood pressure.  Well, I spent the next week in bed taking it easy and it worked well, I saw my ankles for the first time in 3 months.  At the next visit when I was 28 weeks, I was still measuring 32 weeks and my blood pressure was 126/64.  I was not put on bed rest, but advised to keep taking it easy because it was working.

I went today for my 30 weeks check-up and for my 4D ultrasound.  From weeks 28 to 30, I gained 2 pounds, which is 1 pound per week and it's almost a perfect weight gain, putting me at a weight gain for the whole pregnancy of 8 pounds.  My blood pressure was also very good, it was 124/62.  Things are looking g up for me and little man.  God has truly blessed this family!  We had an amazing day just watching him on the screen and laughing as he moved and kicked, but in the ultrasound techs words, he "wasn't moving the right parts."  He kept his foot at his face the entire time, which was about 45 minutes.  She is going to do another ultrasound next Tuesday for me, to see if maybe he will cooperate.  But for now everything is wonderful and here are some of the pictures that we got of him today. 
His cute little chubby face.
June 29, 2010
30 weeks 0 days
in the top right is his foot
better shot of his foot near his head.
his left foot in his left eye
toe to the eye
trying to get his toe in his mouth
determined to get his toe in his mouth
yawning... tired of performing for the camera
I am hoping after people read my blog they will understand the decision to keep this within our little family, however I am aware that some people may be mad, or upset and I am also aware that some people have known, but didn't say anything to me because they knew they weren't supposed to know.  There are also people instead of saying anything to me, told other people, but whatever was done is done, now you all know, from the source, me.  I have some really special people in my life who have supported me throughout these last few months and without them and their support I might have gone crazy.  People come and go in our lives for various reasons, and only He knows those reasons, but I have to say Thank You to Him and those people.  We can't wait to welcome this new addition into our family.

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